Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Conversation with My Brother

My brother called me today, which is weird. My brother never calls me. He is far too busy updating his Favorite Light Beers List or buying knock-off cologne or reading books titled How to Care for Your Dwarf Rabbits--which was exactly what he read on the flight down to Miami ("What the hell are you doing reading a book about dwarf rabbits?" I asked him. "What the hell are you doing reading Brides magazine?" he asked.)

When I saw it was Adam--if he calls, a picture of him holding my mother's cat pops up on my phone--I knew it could be one of two things: tragedy or bizarreness. Here's how it went:

Me: Hey.

Adam: Hi. Listen, I'm in a post office, so I am going to have to talk really quietly.

Me: Okay.

Adam: Okay, okay. I'm getting my passport. I'm filling out the form. I know Dad's birthday is in June, but I can't remember the day.

Me: Dad's birthday isn't in June.

Adam: Sure it is! I know that when Father's Day rolls around, I have to save double because Dad's birthday is right after it.

Me: (sighing) This is why I call you every year before Mom and Dad's birthdays.

Adam: It's really not in June?!

Me: It's in May. May 28th.

Adam: Oh, that explains it. It's the month after father's day.


Adam: Oh. Oh. Right! April-May-June. Yeah. May comes before June.

Me: YES.

Adam: I'm a retard.

Me: And you know when Mom's is, right?

Adam: July?

Me: Hey! Good!

Adam: Yeah. July 14th. I never forget that one.

Me: Oh my God, Adam. Mom's birthday is July 28th. Our parents share the same day for their birthdays. The 28th. It's not that hard to remember.

Adam: Well, I'm seriously retarded.


Joshua said...

Set up a meeting. How about a 2pm, a fortnight from today. I want to meet this fellow. I like the cut of his jib.

Jess said...

Gross. Don't discuss my brother's jib.

Just kidding.

Someone just said that on TV the other day and I laughed and laughed. Where was that?

Anyway, you two would be best friends. You DO need to meet.

Joshua said...

I have no idea actually what a jib is, but they've used that joke on the Simpsons twice and its hilarious. Is that the show you had in mind?