No One Does That

On Christmas, my father ducked away for a few hours to be with his fiancee's family, and that meant I was alone with my brother and his girlfriend. My brother decided that because his girlfriend hadn't seen Top Gun in a long time and because he'd gotten it for Christmas, he was going to put it in and treat us to an afternoon of sweaty Tom Cruise.

During the sex scene--one of the first sex scenes I'd ever seen, a scene that forever shaped my idea of romance, seduction, and sex--my brother chuckled.

"I love '80s sex scenes," he said.

"Gross," I said. "Don't say the word 'sex.'"

"No, seriously," he insisted. "I mean, who has sex like that? Really."

"ENOUGH!" I said. "Sick!"

"Like, really," he said. "Who has sex standing up against a wall? Who just stands there with a belt buckle half-unbuckled? Who goes that slow and is all touchy-touchy-touchy? No one does that."

"PLEASE STOP!" I shrieked. It was Christmas, and I didn't want to be learning what my brother thought was normal and abnormal in the bedroom.

"NO ONE DOES THAT, JESS!" he said. "No one. Do you hear me? NO ONE."

And then I got up to make myself another drink.