Grandpa: When people say "Fuck you!" to me this is what I say to them. I say, "If you did, you'd never want to go back to sheep."
Grandpa: When I was at the home, there was this woman Irene who didn't like me very much. One day Irene told me to go straight to hell, and I turned right around and I looked at her and said, "Now, Irene, I will never go to your house."
Grandpa: Goddamn this dog! He's got his nose in my ass.
Mom: Sorry, Dad. He's just a puppy. He's just trying to play.
Grandpa: Well, I don't like it. He's acting like that dog your brother had down in Texas. That dog was always running up behind you and sticking his nose in your ass. After a few days, I'd had quite enough of that. So there was this time I could hear the dog coming--he was running right up behind me, ready to stick his nose in my goddamned ass--and I was ready for him. I waited until he had his snout buried as far up in there was it would go, and then I let a fart rip as loud as I could. And you know what? That dog backpedaled so fast it was like he'd been shot. He never put his nose in my ass again after that.