Saturday, January 15, 2011
TLK + Dumpster Full of Chips = My Brother?
Let me be frank: I love chips. Oh my God, I love chips. Here's how sick it is: The reason I love sandwiches so much (and I love sandwiches A LOT) is because I get to eat chips with them. If you try to give me a sandwich without chips, I am going to ask you what the hell is the point. This means that this is an apartment that is always stocked with chips. Especially now, because I live with a boy who would die for French Onion Sun Chips the same way I'd die for Doritos.
Knowing this makes you understand the crisis situation we are in right now: This apartment is chip-less. Or, to be precise, it was chip-less until late last night, when the TLK arrived home from a jaunt with one of his friends. This morning I got a look at the bounty he'd piled on the stove: bags and bags of Doritos, Ruffles, and Cheetos.
"That's a lot of chips," I said.
He looked proud. "Yup," he said.
"Where did you get them?"
"Well, I bet you don't know this," he said, "because I didn't either until last night, but there is a Frito-Lay warehouse just down the road in the industrial park."
"And so... what? They were getting rid of almost-expired chips or something?"
"So they put them on sale and you stocked up?" I asked.
TLK smiled at me, the smile you save for a simpleton. "Something like that," he said.
I looked at him. He looked at me. I looked down at the chips.
"Did they have them in a bin out front or something?" I asked.
"Oh my God!" I said.
"They're fine!" he said.
"Oh my God!" I said. "You went dumpster diving for chips?"
"I wouldn't call it DIVING," he said. "It was just a giant dumpster full of chips. It's not like we had to pick through garbage for them or anything." He picked up one of the bags and turned it toward me. "See? It's just that today's its expiration date. No big deal." Then he realized there was a dark smudge on the bag, a crust of God-knows-what. He put it back down. "Doesn't matter," he said. "I'm still eating the chips. They're on the inside."
And that was the moment I realized TLK and my brother were the same person.