If You've Ever Wondered What Goes on in Some Boys' Heads, This One's for You

A post-dinner conversation with my friend Josh, who is currently in love with a girl he met during one of his AmeriCorps summers in Wisconsin:

Josh: I just want this girl to love me, Jess.

Me: Well, it sounds promising. When you told her you got into the France program, she said, Take me to France with you!

Josh: She said other things that weren't that promising.

Me: Like what? Like she thought you two needed to spend time getting to know each other in a way that did not involve witty Facebook messages? That's not bad, Josh.

Josh: She wants me to call her and stuff.

Me: She asked you to call her?

Josh Yeah, a couple times.

Me: Wait. Let me get this straight. She asked you to call her and how did you react?

Josh: I didn't call her.

Me: And why not?

Josh: Because I don't want her thinking I'm going to just, you know, do everything she says.

Me: Oh my God.

Josh: What?

Me: Oh my God. I am going to drive home and punch you.

Josh: Jess! I just don't want to call her! Can I text her? Can I send her a funny text?

Me: Josh, she wants to get to know you better! She wants you to call her so you can start getting to know each other! What is wrong with you? Are you insane?

Josh: I don't want to call.

Me: Why? Seriously, why?

Josh: I don't like my voice.

Me: You have a fine voice.

Josh: I sound like a girl.

Me: Oh you do not.

Josh: I do! I do! Do you want me to tell you how I know I do?

Me: Fine. Tell me.

Josh: Okay. So, I called home once. I left a voice message for my mother. Well, later I got home and saw the machine was blinking so I played it and listened to the messages. On the last message I heard this girl talking, and I had no idea who she was, so I asked my mom who that was talking on the machine and she started laughing at me. She said, That's you!

Me: You don't sound like a girl. I am talking to you right now, and I am telling you you don't sound like a girl.

Josh: I just can't call her. Or maybe I could. You know, if I got hammered.

Me: Bad idea. Don't get super hammered and call her. That's asking for trouble.

Josh: Not super hammered. How about just hammered?

Me: How about one shot for courage?

Josh: How about three shots?

Me: Josh!

Josh: Fine. I'll get out of the apartment, go to the bar, have three drinks, and then I'll call her.

Me: Fine.

Josh: Good. Okay, well I'm going to stand here and obsess about this and throw darts for a couple more hours.

Me: LEAVE YOUR APARTMENT. LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

Josh: Fine. Okay. Fine! Thanks. I love you. Goodbye.